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Mail Magazine Vol.135: To me when I was working on a "deal" in Kabuki-cho



Hello everyone! My name is Kyuri-chan, and I am the newest member of the PAPS staff. This time I would like to talk about Kabuki-cho where I spent a year and my current thoughts.

I first set foot in Kabuki-cho in the spring when I was 16 years old. I became poor due to my parents' divorce. I felt miserable that I had no money, that my living expenses and school fees were a burden on my family. And I was lonely. I wanted friends. The nights were hard, so I ran away to Kabuki-cho, the nightlife district.


From here, I would like to tell you how I saw the town I was in, Kabuki-cho.

I saw you guys with cigarettes in your hands, drinking alcohol, shining. Even though you were about my age, you ignored common sense and laughed as if you were running away from something painful. I wanted to be a part of such a crazy place. I wondered, "How do you make money to stay in here?" I was curious. "It's a deal," they all said in unison. I was surprised at how much money they were making. But as long as I do that, I can always be with you guys and turn my back on reality.


Hello everyone! My name is Kyuri-chan, and I am the newest member of the PAPS staff. This time I would like to talk about Kabuki-cho where I spent a year and my current thoughts.

I first set foot in Kabuki-cho in the spring when I was 16 years old. I became poor due to my parents' divorce. I felt miserable that I had no money, that my living expenses and school fees were a burden on my family. And I was lonely. I wanted friends. The nights were hard, so I ran away to Kabuki-cho, the nightlife district.


From here, I would like to tell you how I saw the town I was in, Kabuki-cho.

I saw you guys with cigarettes in your hands, drinking alcohol, shining. Even though you were about my age, you ignored common sense and laughed as if you were running away from something painful. I wanted to be a part of such a crazy place. I wondered, "How do you make money to stay in here?" I was curious. "It's a deal," they all said in unison. I was surprised at how much money they were making. But as long as I do that, I can always be with you guys and turn my back on reality.


That spring, I started doing the deals(Selling sex). At the places where deals were gathered, the men who passed by would stare at me from head to toe, as if they were assessing some kind of product. It was weird at first. I thought they were "ape-like people" who thought women were dolls. And yet, I was frustrated that I had no choice but to sell my body.


After the deal was over, everyone used to praise me for my hard work. I was happy. Yes, I could be with everyone, and I wasn't the only one doing the case! I thought that trash like me was only allowed to live this way, and as I repeated it, I stopped feeling anything.


Hundreds of thousands of dollers(in Japanese yen) in my wallet, a cigarette in one hand, and me drowning in alcohol at night. I became the "you guys who look shining" that I saw on the day I first came to Kabuki-cho. The feelings of frustration had vanished, and I had changed myself so that I felt a glance from a man was "a signal that money is coming in. Before I knew it, autumn had passed, winter had passed, and spring was approaching. A year had passed in this town.


There was a part of me that felt swamped by the town of Kabuki-cho, and there was another part of me that was beginning to feel uncomfortable with it. A few new encounters brought about a change in me. I realized that there were people who had been waiting for me to get out of the swamp on my own. Also, I got a boyfriend! He said to me, "I want you to stop doing deals." But if I stop the case, I will lose money. Can I get love even if I don't have money? Can I be happy?" I said in tears, and he nodded his head and said, "Of course." I wanted to believe my boyfriend. Finally, I stopped doing deals. I also left Kabuki-cho.


My story doesn't end here. I knew I would suddenly be in a hurry and frustrated if I didn't have money. I could easily make money by selling my body, and sometimes I thought it would be easier that way. But as I worked day jobs at restaurants, I realized that what I wanted most was "ordinary happiness," where I could work a normal job, enjoy the occasional luxury, and spend time laughing, but I had been pretending not to notice that for a long time. So I worked hard at my day job. When I told my family about it, they cried and were happy. I was happy. Not selling my body became the norm. I became able to accept the love of the people around me and be sweet to them.


One day A staff of PAPS asked me, "Would you like to help with our activities? I went to Kabuki-cho for the first time in a while. I walked around the place where I used to work on projects. The men staring at me are still there.


It was disgusting.


I could feel the stares from the men who came to buy women's bodies. My discomfort at being approached by these guys was tremendous. Why did I sell my body to these guys back then? A sense of disgust welled up in me. Why did I spend my time doing deals as a matter of course without feeling anything? I don't want to deny my past self, but now I think that's not true. I will never forgive the men who treated me like a doll, deceived me, make fun of me, and lied to me back then. I also cannot forgive what men have done to my friends who live by doing deals. I will not forgive "you" who would still be doing the same to women today.


To myself back then. When you feel something strange, when something doesn't make sense to you, I want you to cherish that "something." Knowing the answer to that question may bring about a change in the way you live and the way you live your life in the future. That is what I want to share with you now. Please do not stop thinking about what it is that makes you feel uncomfortable. There is no need to assume that "this is the only way to live. I will try my best in my work at PAPS while thinking of ways to expand the options for that way of life. (To be continued)


 

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